We Wouldn't Dare!

Friend: "I know you're NOT watching High School Musical without me!"

Wise Words from Mom

Mom: "Rob tried that on the Kardashians, and it didn't work."

Snapchat?

Dad: "I'm gonna put that on slap shot!"

Boy/Dietary Advice from Dad

Dad: "Don't eat a cupcake. That's fattening. You're never going to get a man."

Advice from a Reverend

Reverend: "Ring the Hell out of the bell."

Fifty and Thriving

Dad: "I'm like a hip fifty year old."

On Future Partying

Dad: "If y'all need a baller, let me know."

A Wise Invention

Waiter: "Cheerios and beer... we call them beerios"

Father's Wise Statements

Dad: "Your job next year is to make sure there's no booze or boys in the house? You're going to be so unpopular."

Age Old Question

Friend: "Wait, how old are 1000 year old eggs?"

Pet Chicken?

Friend: "My mom had a pet chicken, but her sister ran over it with her tricycle."

New Technology Takes A Long Time to Understand

Friend: "No filter means that the photo has no filter! I thought it meant like, 'Oh I have no filter because I post so many photos!'"

Important Questions

Dad: "Is Magic Mike on Netflix!?"

Understandable

Mom: "I'm getting sea sick driving this car with no air conditioning!" 

My Dad on Gilligan's Island

Dad: "What kind of snobby ass bitch takes all of her jewelry on a three hour cruise?" 

Stud

Dad: "What's with old women and me? They love me!" 

Music Mania

My dad keeps playing Blurred Lines on repeat. 

Hamlet

Mom: "Hamlet. That's the one with the guy I hate. What's his name? Oh yeah... Shakespeare." 

Good Sign

Mom: "Ohh! He's cute. And his dad's cute too! So that means that he'll be cute when he's old!!" 

Thanks?

Friend: "I'm surprised this is the first waiter you've hit on this trip."
Me: "This is the first time we've eaten out."
Friend: "I'm still surprised."

Vacation Time

Friend: "Are we drinking more?!" "Alright!" "Wahoo"

She Sings

My mom is singing an opera version of "Who Let The Dogs Out?" right now.

Boy Advice From Dad

Dad: "Gross. Go wash your hair. You'll never get a man like that." 

Football Expert

My mom just went up to a group of football players and asked if they were from an acapella group.

College Advice From Dad

Dad: "Don't be a hoe."

Party Time

Mom: "The neighbors are having a party and didn't invite us!"
Dad: "I want to party..."
Mom: "Sons of bitches."

Advice from Dad

Dad: "Stop doing work, and come watch Pretty Little Liars!"

In Traffic

Mom: "This car is on my ass like you would not believe."

Out of the Blue

Mom: "You're weird."
Thanks?

Judgment

This guy saw me and my mom taking a self pic and waved at us.

Dad Talks to Boys 3

Dad: "My daughter thinks you're super cute."

Dad Talks to Boys 2

Dad: "If my daughter were the boss, she would have all the boys wear uniforms. Those uniforms would be speedos."

Dad Talks to Boys

Dad: "My daughter says that if you work without a shirt on, your tip will be bigger!"

Technology 2

Me: "Mom, you're on Google... not YouTube."
Mom: "I'm on YouTube...so shut the hell up."

Technology

Mom: "How do you spell 'YouTube'?"

In Response to My Musical Talent

Mom: "Stevie Wonder is blind. He is better than you."

Unexpected Fashion Advice

Mom: "Go put on a shorter skirt."

What Do You Want From Me?

Dad: "Don't just sit around! Go out. Make plans. Use my credit card if you have to."
One week later.
Dad: "Stop going out and using my credit card!"

Can't Wait

Mom: "I'm going to make sure that from now until the day you leave for college, we do everything together."

Rejected on a Saturday Night

Me: "Hi, Papa! Can I take you to dinner?"
Grandpa: "No."

Bragging

My dad is bragging about the time he ran with the torch in the Olympics. One of my friends is impressed. The other cant believe he actually ran...

My Mom's Notepad

Most Likely To...

Me: "I have to come up with a 'most likely to' for yearbook. Any ideas?"
Dad: "Most likely to fall down on her face...most likely to wipe out when wakeboarding... most likely to be embarrassed every single time her dad takes a picture of her with a cute guy... most likely to just be awkward." 

"I Know Sexy!"

Me: "What do you think of my new sunglasses?" 
Grandma: "They're sexy... And I know sexy."

Accents

Cute British guy: "Hi, what's your name?" 
My thoughts: I don't know, but please say more words. 

I want that...

I'm not sure what's more sad: the guy that thought I was hitting on him when I said, "Mmm- I want that," or the fact that I was talking about the cake in the window behind him.

Mother Dearest

Me: "There are so many hot guys here." 
Mom: "Seriously- you need to hit that tomorrow!" 
Me: "Excuse me?" 
Mom: "You need to hit the beach tomorrow...why? What did I... Oh."

Boy Advice From Dad

Dad: "Every time a cute boy walks into the room, just scream, 'I just broke up with my boyfriend! He was such an asshole. So yes, that does make me available.'"
Thanks, Dad!

Perms

My father and grandfather used to perm their hair. That is all.

Koozies for College

Dad: "I'm going to give Kit this koozie to take to college."
Mom: "Aww! But what's she going to put in it?"
Dad: "A beer..."
Mom: "What the hell!?"
Dad: "Oh, I'm sorry- 'A pint!'"